As a brand new feature on my website, I would like to answer your parenting questions directly. If you have a question about how to handle a situation with your child, tween, or teen, I am happy to offer you a couple ideas that I hope will be helpful. Just write your question below and I'll respond as quickly as my schedule allows. Follow me on Facebook and I'll let you know when my response has been posted.

Write your question here:

Kim writes:  How can I stress the importance of organization to a teenage boy?

Dr. Todd writes:  Hi Kim, I would start with a low key discussion that will have a few layers.

First, I would want to know what your son thinks about being organized. Listening to his point of view will be an important way to start this. What does being organized (at school or home) mean? Is it important? Why or why not?

Then I'd move the discussion to a general "lesson" that you want all of your kids to learn: That is it important to take care of your things. This is not a special lesson for him, but for all your kids. Taking care of your things and keeping a room "reasonably" neat is a good habit for everybody and as parents, it is a lesson that you want your kids to learn. It helps items not get lost or broken, it keeps clothes looking good after they've been washed, and is a positive reflection of you as a person.

The final part of this discussion should start with mutual problem-solving. The problem is that you would like his room to be neat and I'm guessing that he is okay with is being rather messy. Say, "Let's see if we can find a good solution" and see what ideas you both come up with. Being willing to meet him somewhere in the middle can help a lot. Once you come up with an idea that you both can live with, it's not a bad idea to write it down, for future reference. Also, it will be smart to set a time for a room inspection (e.g., once a week). Let him know what privilege will be lost if his room does not meet the inspection.

If all of this is decided ahead of time (and written down), it makes it much smoother when consequences have to be enforced.

These are a few good steps to get started, I hope they are helpful!

Dr. Todd

Annette writes:

Hello! How can we impress on our 16yr old new driver the importance of telling us if his friends do dangerous or inappropriate things while driving? He has admitted that he would be afraid to tell us because he knows we would talk to the friend's parents and the friend would get in trouble. He doesn't want to get his friend into trouble.
Thank you!!

Dr. Todd writes:

Annette,
This is a tough situation for both you and your son. He wants to be a good friend without “ratting” on his friends, and you want to be responsible parents. Hopefully, there is a way that both of these can happen.

Unfortunately, many wonderful teens are killed in car accidents each year. In terms of little or big things, your son needs to be reminded that this is a BIG thing that he and his friends need to handle responsibly. Worrying about hurting someone’s feelings is not our main concern here. Helping your son and his friends be safe in an automobile is.

If your son is going to drive, you must be assured that he is willing to follow the rules that you have set to ensure safe driving for him and his passengers. This will mean no talking on a cell phone while driving, wearing seatbelts, and whatever other rules you deem appropriate for his level of driving skill and experience. If a friend tries to break these rules while your son is driving, your son needs to know how to ask his friend to respect the rules. This is a good thing to practice a few times so your son is comfortable setting appropriate limits in the car.

The next issue is your son’s safety when another teen is driving. My assumption is that you are only letting your son drive with kids that you feel are likely to be safe, conscientious drivers. However, if you son feels that one of his friends, we’ll call the friend Billy, has driven in an unsafe manner and is likely to do so again, we want your son to talk to you about it because this is a BIG thing. People’s lives are at stake and there is no benefit in pretending otherwise.

Sit down with your son and have him practice what he would say to Billy if Billy is driving in a way that makes your son feel uncomfortable. The truth is that your son will be saying what most of the other kids are thinking. Your son could practice a sentence like, “Billy, if you are going to ___________ (not watch where you are going, drive carelessly, speed, text and drive), then I’d just as soon go with someone else or drive on my own. I don’t want to get in an accident.”

As a parent, you will decide if you think a certain driving behavior is extreme enough to warrant a phone call to the other parents. Perhaps you will just not have your son drive with Billy. If you think talking to Billy’s parents is called for, your son’s best course of action is to be honest with Billy about it. All your son did was mention his driving experience to you and YOU decided to call Billy’s parents because you were concerned. This was your choice, not your son’s, and it was made out of honest concern for Billy’s safety.

Sometimes being a good friend means being responsible. If Billy is trying to make good decisions, he’ll appreciate your son’s honesty and friendship. Deep inside, Billy knows your son was right. And deep inside, your son will know he made the right decision too.

Dr. Todd

Cyndi writes:

Would you put your 17 year old daughter on birth control pills since she says she is having heavy and irregular menses?

Dr. Todd writes:

Cyndi,
I assume your main concern centers around the possibility of your daughter becoming more likely to engage in sexual behavior if she knows that she is on birth control pills. This is a topic that needs a lot of thought and the final decision will obviously be up to you. However, I can tell you how I would approach it.

First of all, I would thoroughly discuss all of the treatment options with a pediatrician that you really trust. Even if it means getting a second opinion, I would make sure to talk to a Christian pediatrician that you know shares your same values and concerns. They have probably been down this road before. Perhaps there are other good options for addressing the heavy menses.

Secondly, as a believer in the power of support from healthy Christian community, I would talk to as many other moms with daughters in high school and college as you can, to see if they have run into this issue and to hear solutions that they have found helpful.

Finally, I would talk openly with your daughter about the issue. It will be helpful for her to see how her parents are trying to carefully and prayerfully weigh their decision and guidance on such an important issue. Pray about this decision together, asking God to guide you and her in making the wisest decision. This is a great model for her to follow. After all, she is at an age where this decision becomes increasingly up to her and she is also learning how to become a mom one day herself.

One final note: As you talk with your daughter, it will be important to point out that this is not necessarily a matter of not trusting her, but of being aware of the subtle impact that birth control can have on any person’s decisions if they find themselves in a sexually tempting situation. My personal leaning would be to find other ways to handle the menses situation if at all possible. Perhaps the severity of the menses will lessen with time. Again, here is where talking with your pediatrician and other moms may yield some fruitful ideas.

Dr. Todd

Tami writes:

My 7-year old (in 2nd grade) will not listen to me. No consequence matters to him. He is a smart little boy who is NOT applying himself at school and therefore getting bad grades. They sit in "groups" of desks & he rushes so he is not the last one done. I have told him a MILLION times be the last one done - who cares? Otherwise now you are in trouble for bringing home an F for rushing. I am at my wits end with him. Please help! Thank you.

Dr. Todd writes:

Tami,
While I have not met your son, I have met many boys his age whose behavior has been described the same way by their moms. The good news is that there absolutely IS a way to get things under control and it starts with you and your husband learning three important strategies: Teaching respectful behavior, turning on respectful behavior, and turning off disrespectful behavior. My book, Respectful Kids, can help you with this. That book will show you how to teach your son the skill of “Fast Listening,” which you will like A LOT. You will learn how to practice Fast Listening together in a fun way and how to positively “pour on” the positive attention when he does fast listening. You will also learn how to effectively respond to your son’s disrespectful behavior in a way that will teach him the right lessons, in the right way.

My only other thought is that if you notice significantly inattentive, impulsive, or overactive behavior at home AND if the teacher observes similar behavior at school, you may want to talk to your pediatrician to see if your child is showing signs of ADHD. I can tell you more about this later in another question if you would like!

Dr. Todd

Karen writes:

I have a 16 (almost 17) year old daughter who is struggling with her sexuality. Actually, I should say her dad and I are struggling; not her. She is intent on labeling herself as a lesbian. She has grown up in the church. She knows that that is against God's Word. But she is choosing to pick and choose what parts of the bible she believes are true. We have made it clear to her that a relationship with another girl is not allowed. But she has snuck behind our backs and done it anyway. I want her to know that we love her unconditionally and will always love her no matter what. But that we don't agree with that lifestyle.

She is now being home-schooled because she was going to a Christian school and pretty much made life miserable for herself because she chose to tell everyone that would listen about her sexuality.

This has been going on for about 2 years now. In a little over a year she will be out of the house at college and I am so fearful of the choices that will be made by her when she thinks she has freedom to do as she chooses. And I don't know the right way to handle it at that point since we will be supporting her, but she will be making choices we don't agree with.

I don't even know what I'm asking you, Dr. Todd. I just struggle with how to handle this on a daily basis. And I am so fearful of how to handle it in the future if she chooses this lifestyle.
I truly believe that God will get her through this and she will come back to Him someday. I just get anxious (I know I'm not supposed to) about what will happen between now and then. We have a really good relationship with the exception of this issue; which obviously is a biggie.

Thanks,
Karen

P.S. She is seeing a Christian counselor.

Dr. Todd writes:

Karen,
Thanks for your heartfelt question. I can certainly hear how you love your daughter and are trying to keep your relationship close while guiding her on this important issue at the same time.

Not knowing the details of your daughter’s life and your family relationships, I must speak somewhat generally. I do not know what has caused your daughter to question her sexual identity; there could be a variety of factors. It sounds as if she has experienced a sense of identity and perhaps uniqueness, in identifying herself as a lesbian. However, it is not at all uncommon for heterosexual teens to experience feelings of closeness to a friend of the same gender and wonder if that means they are homosexual, when in fact, they are not. Even having a sexual experience with a same-gendered person does not mean that you are a homosexual. It simply means that you engaged in that behavior.

If your daughter has concluded that she is a lesbian, you are not likely to argue her out of it. But you can love her through this confusing period in her life. I support you in your strong effort to maintain a loving relationship with her; that will be important step number one.

Step number two will be to really listen to her. Listen to understand. What has led her to this conclusion? What is it that she gains from her female friendships? If it is closeness and acceptance that she feels, you can remind her that having those feelings toward a female friend doesn’t mean that she is a lesbian. Does she think heterosexual girls have strong feelings of closeness and friendship toward their close friends? What does she think about what God has to say about his design for marriage, sex, and relationships? Is she willing to turn this area of her life over to God and trust his guidance and wisdom? Don’t turn these discussions into lectures, but listen to her responses and invite your daughter to honestly think about these important questions.

Third, offer to pray about these issues and explore them together. For instance, Focus on the Family has several informative articles about homosexuality on their website that you both can read and talk about. Other Christian organizations that deal with this issue may have helpful material that will be research-based and will help clear up common misconceptions. But this will only happen if you have taken a relationship-first approach.

Finally, allowing your daughter to talk to a Christian therapist can also be a great step in helping her to learn important facts about teenage sexuality, explore her teenage identity issues, and find healthy ways to find a sense of relationship and belonging.

Dr. Todd

Joyce writes:

I have a college graduating stepdaughter who has never wanted anything to do with me and is moving home for the summer. She has been disrespectful & insubordinate in the past. Her father does not see the problem. I am broken-hearted & fearful. Any suggestions on how to survive the summer?

Dr. Todd writes:

Joyce,
Thanks for the question. Being a stepmother can be a challenging thing. My first thought is for you to talk to your husband about your concerns. My assumption is that he wants his daughter to learn how to live and communicate with others in an intelligent and respectful way. This, of course, begins at home. It may be helpful for HIM to have a talk with his daughter to remind her of the basic “respect” expectations that apply to everyone in your family, including her.

If you sense any tension between you and your stepdaughter, I suggest taking her out to lunch to talk about it. Let her know that you are excited about her being home and hope that you all can have a fun summer together. Tell her that you don’t want to have any tension between the two of you and that if you have done anything to frustrate her, that you apologize. In starting this way, you are setting a great example of how to humbly approach a relationship issue. It might be a good idea to remind her that you are not trying to control her life, but are trying to learn how to be a good stepmom and friend.

Thirdly, it will help if you take time to do something fun with your stepdaughter periodically. Go to a movie or anything that you both enjoy. Talk about her college and future and have a fun time. Even if she says she is not interested, she will know that you asked. Keep at it and eventually she may say yes. Spending time this way goes a long way toward showing her that you are really interested in her life.

A final idea is to let dad be the one to ask his daughter to do things and also be the one to follow up if those things are not done. This allows you to step out of the “enforcer” role and to just work on developing your relationship. If she is continually disrespectful, you may even need to have a family meeting to talk about it; but even then, dad should take the lead in telling her what the consequences will be.

This situation can be challenging for everyone as your stepdaughter learns how to handle family situations in a mature way. As her time living with you all is in its final stages, you and your husband have a final chance to show her how a healthy family handles relationship issues. That is a lesson that can impact her forever.

Dr. Todd

Marj writes:

My 11-yr-old daughter is very shy. How can I help her develop the social skills she needs without hurting her or pushing too hard.

Dr. Todd writes:

Marj,
A little listening and coaching will go a long way.

First, ask her what situations she is the most shy in and make a top three list.

Second, come up with a simple plan for what to say and do in those situations. For example, if she is shy in saying hi to someone, the plan might be for her to pick a good time and place, say hi in a friendly way, and then ask a friendly question.

Finally, practice the plan together by role-playing. First, you show her how you would do it and then have her give it a try. Do it a few times, pretending she is at lunch, in P.E., or in an activity. This type of repeated practice will help build her skill and eventually make it start to seem easy, with repetition. Have her practice her new skill with dad and with grandparents when they come over. Be encouraging and let her set the pace. The more practice the better, as it will build her competence which will, in turn, build her confidence.

When she is ready, she can try it at school, but by then, she will have had a lot of practice under her belt. When she feels like this situation is going better, check it off your list and move on to situation number two. You will be showing her that there is no problem she can’t tackle, even if she needs a little help now and then. If she is really stuck, you can always consult with a child therapist who has experience with childhood social anxiety.

Dr. Todd

Hollie writes:

My 3 year old daughter can be very sweet and kind at times and other times...not. When she gets into one of her moods, she becomes defiant, saying "No" to pretty much everything, even things that I know she likes. If her dad or I ask her something, she'll say she wants it and then in the next breath, scream that she doesn't want it, and on and on. It gets very frustrating because we have no idea of what she really wants. We don't know how to help her break out of this cycle when she gets stuck in it. I have tried giving her a hug and kiss, which calms her down sometimes. Thanks for your advice!

Dr. Todd writes:

Hollie,
Welcome to the world of three-year-olds! As they try to figure out the world in their little three-year-old minds, they vacillate between independence and wanting you to do things for them, between wanting one thing one second and something else the next.

As you go through this normal but somewhat challenging time, your daughter needs plenty of love and nurturing. But she also needs to be learning the right lesson, which is that screaming and telling her parents, “No!” aren’t going to get her too far.

For starters, teach her a simple, respectful response that you want her to make when you ask her to do something. I like the words, “OK mom.” Then, she needs to do what you have asked. I have found it helpful to actually practice this with kids often (e.g., ask her to pick up a book), so they get a clear picture of what you want them to say and do and learn that it is actually easy and fun.

Then, when your daughter actually her calm voice to say, “OK mom,” and does what she is asked, make sure to let her know that she has done a great job of listening and talking calmly, by using specific, encouraging words and giving warm physical touch. Do this often and with emphasis, to help her get the point: These behaviors TURN ON the attention and the fun.

Conversely, when she screams and refuses to do what you have asked, calmly redirect her toward the appropriate behavior (e.g., “I want you to talk in a calm voice” or "You need to say OK mom"). If she changes course, great! If not, then she needs to learn that these behaviors temporarily TURN OFF the attention and the fun.

Depending on the situation, this will mean temporarily removing your attention, removing a fun activity, ignoring a tantrum (as long as she is safe), or putting her in a Time-Out when she is defiant. When you see that she begins to calm down and make a better choice, then turn the attention back on.

Like all three-year-olds, your daughter is learning what gets your attention. Believe it or not, it is easier to teach her this lesson now than when she is thirteen! So, you’re off to a good start!

Dr. Todd

Dana writes:

I have a son who is 10 years old. He has a temper, started showing it more 3 years ago. But now he is in 4th grade, it has become worse, and we cannot find what triggers it to happen. It can be from the littlest thing like his brother gave away some cars to our neighbors, who are 2 and 4, and he just get upset to the point he tries to lock me out of the house or close the door on me. He also will throw pillows or anything he can find and it will take about 20 min before he calms down. We just walk away and let him calm down. We are going to a counselor in Naperville, IL and he told us that if my son doesn't start to respond and show he wants to be helped he won't be able to do anything. He in trouble 2 times in one day for defending himself but was not respectful to his principal so I had to come to the school. Then I was back because he had been bullying a child, by making faces and taunting him that myself and my husband had to come in. He ended up not getting suspended, but did have to stay inside for lunch. But if it happens again he will be suspended. He just doesn't seem to care about what he is doing and he won't talk to us when we try to find out what is happening. Do you have any suggestions on what we can do or any materials we can read. I have already ordered your book and waiting for it to come.

Thank you,
Dana

Dr. Todd writes:

Dana,
Well, it does sound like you have your work cut out for you! There are various reasons why kids show oppositional behavior, but each one of those kids needs to learn a few important lessons about relationships, reality, and respectfulness. Discipline alone probably won’t get it done. If you have ordered my book, RESPECTFUL KIDS, then you will see that I recommend a combination of teaching respectful behavior skills, turning on those skills, and turning off your son’s disrespectful habits. Your therapist can help you with each of these strategies.

Depending on the specifics of your family situation, this will likely involve individual therapy, family therapy, and parent coaching. Family relationships and family communication may need to be addressed, and you and your husband will need guidance for how to respond to your son’s challenging behavior. In some cases where extreme behavior or mood are present, a psychiatric consultation can be the right step. Either way, I’d recommend working with an experienced therapist that can help you and your family navigate this difficult season and help your son learn how to handle everyday situations in a flexible and respectful way.

Dr. Todd