As I look back on the past few weeks, they are a blur. I carry a fairly busy clinical schedule of children and families that I see each week. I have daily paperwork, phone calls to return, and reports to write. On top of that I am working on what I hope will be a new book, making adjustments to my website, figuring out how to twitter (please don’t laugh), and writing this new weekly blog.

I haven’t even gotten to spending time with Lora and the boys, going to church, fixing a leaky sink, finding time to exercise, mowing the lawn, and helping out with household chores, such as laundry and dishes.

As strange as it may sound, the weekends seem just as busy, if not more, than my weekdays. In fact, by the time the weekend is over, I’m ready for a break!

I suspect that you know what I am talking about. In fact, I am well aware that you might be busier than I am. My point is that for all of us, life’s demands can pile up pretty quickly and it is easy to get out of balance. Hard work is great, but your kids (and mine) need a mom and dad who are balanced and available.

The truth is that we all get out of balance occasionally. Here are a couple ideas that I use to help me get back in balance when I’ve bitten off more than I can chew:

Prioritize. It helps me to stop and think about what is important. Not to be morbid, but sometimes I think about what will be important to me during my last days on earth. I ask myself if I am investing my time and energy into people and projects that will matter to me then and will matter for eternity. As Stephen Covey advised, “Start with the end in mind.” Or better yet, as the psalmist wrote, “Teach us to number our days aright, so that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” (Psalm 90:12)

Pace. For many projects, I find that pacing myself takes a lot of pressure off. True, some things need to be done right away. But many tasks are not urgent in nature and can be broken down into smaller, more manageable chunks that leave time for relaxation and relationships.

Pray. This helps me with prioritizing and restoring perspective. Time in prayer and God’s word often brings a sense of refreshing and reminds me of realities larger than my daily planner. It is inwardly healing to be reminded of what God has graciously done for me and, just as importantly, what he wants to do in and through me.

If you are a parent, then it is a given that you are busy. Staying in balance will help you be the loving and effective parent that you want to be and that your kids need you to be.

How do you know when you are out of balance?

What helps you stay (or get back) in balance?

“How close are you with your dad?” I asked 15-year-old Brian as we talked in my office one afternoon.

“Not too close,” was his matter-of-fact response.

“Why do you think that is?” I inquired.

“I don’t know,” Brian pondered. “I guess I don’t see him much and when I do, he usually just seems mad at me.”

“Hmmmm,” I said in my best psychologist voice. “Is that how you want it to be?”

“No, not really,” Brian replied.

“Would you like to be closer with your dad?” I asked.

“Yeah, I would,” Brian said, looking me straight in the eye.

Over the years, I have talked with many kids who did not feel close to their parents. And with few exceptions, they have all wanted to be closer. Similarly, when I have spoken with the parents, they also were usually aware that their relationship with their kids was not as close as they would like.

That is both bad and good news. The bad news is that these kids and parents have somehow drifted apart. The good news is that they both want the same thing: To restore a close relationship.

What caused the drift? I have heard many answers to that question, including:

-Parents being busy with work

-Not enough time together as a family

-Negative family communication

-Other stressors occupying the parents’ minds (such as finances, marital issues, work stress)

-Challenging childhood behavior

No relationship stays 100% on course all the time. So, if your relationship with one or more of your kids has strayed either a little off course or has grown tense and conflicted, here are a few ideas for getting things back on the right track.

1) Warm physical touch. Regular moments of light, affectionate touch, such as a gentle squeeze on the shoulder, go a long way. They communicate that you want to be close to your child and make them feel loved and important to you.

2) Communicate your intentions. I have found it helpful to simply tell my boys on occasion that I want to make sure we are staying close and to enlist their help in doing so. Together, we can think of ways to stay close, whether it means checking in or planning some fun activities.

3) Clear the air. If there is tension between you and your child, have a private conversation to address it. If you have handled something with too much anger, for instance, a genuine apology can go a long way as well as set a great example for your kids to see. Communicate your confidence that no matter what the problem, you both can handle it in a way that keeps your relationship strong and close.

The challenges of life will pull your relationship with your kids off course now and then. When you notice this, take the time to reconnect, even if your child does not fully reciprocate. Your consistent efforts to strengthen your relationship and connect with your kids will not go unnoticed.

To finish Brian’s story, his father followed the steps above and before long he and Brian reported feeling more connected than ever.

Now, it’s your turn.

How do you stay connected with your kids?

Not too long ago, I spoke with a young boy who really enjoys the playing the Wii. Perhaps as much as life itself.

That may be a little too much.

Recently, this family had some friends over and the visiting kids wanted to play the Wii also. Cue the tension-producing background music. The minute my young friend realized that these kids, this pack of marauding intruders, wanted to play HIS Wii, he simply could not stand the injustice.

My young friend threw a fit.

Have you been there?

Sharing seems to run counter to a basic child-like instinct to keep and protect what is “ours.” However, it is a bridge that every child must cross and lesson they must learn if they want to develop friends and get along with others. As usual, the best time to begin teaching this lesson is when your kids are young. Here are a few ideas that will help:

1) Require sharing. When my boys were young, I can remember often saying, “If you are going to have this toy, then you are going to have to be willing to share it with your brother.” Now, that doesn’t mean your kids have to share everything all the time, but it does indicate that with a few exceptions, sharing our belongings with others is the way we roll.

2) Not everything, all the time. It is helpful to let your kids know that there are times when it is okay not to share. For example, there may be a few very special items that they want to use exclusively, like a brand new toy or a special teddy bear. Or perhaps your child is in the middle of making a LEGO creation and he does not want his brother to tear it down right now. Your child may also be rightfully wary of kids who play with items in a rough and reckless way, and therefore could damage some of his belongings. It is important to let your child know that in these situations, his best option is not to throw a fit, but to come and talk to you about it.

3) Discuss the reason for sharing. It is important to let your kids know WHY sharing is a good thing. We always emphasized that sharing was a great way to be friendly and to make friends. It was also treating others the way you wanted them to treat you, which is what God tells us to do (e.g., the Golden Rule). These reasons are important because they are true, and your kids will find that others enjoy playing with them more when they share in a friendly way.

There may be a few fits and tears along the way, but sharing is a lesson that is worth it in the long run. Sharing says that I care more about people than privileges. It is the lesson that my little friend who loves the Wii must also learn. Playing the Wii will be far more fun if he can learn to share his fun with others.

How have you helped your kids learn to share?

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Picture an old, quiet western town. The townsfolk are busy with their daily affairs. The stagecoach is loading up. Ranchers are loading supplies into their wagons. It looks like a scene right out of Bonanza.

And then someone cries out, “The McCoys are coming!” (My apologies if your last name is McCoy, it’s the only western sounding name I could think of). All of a sudden the entire atmosphere changes. People start scurrying off the street back to the safety of their homes. Store owners close their curtains and warily peek through.

This is what it can feel like when anger comes to town in your home. If you have a child who gets angry and throws a fit when the slightest circumstance doesn’t go his way, you can start to feel like you are walking on eggshells, trying to set reasonable limits without triggering another shouting match.

I have talked to many parents where anger was a too frequent and not at all welcome visitor to their family. While there can be a variety of reasons for this and appropriate responses will vary to some degree based on your child’s age, let me give you a couple ideas for how to keep anger from disturbing the peace in your family:

1) Set a good example. If your child struggles with anger control, the last thing he needs is mom or dad losing their cool as well. The first thing he needs is an example of how to be frustrated the right way. This means showing him that a person can be frustrated and stay in control at the same time.

2) Talk about it. During a calm time, talk with your child about what makes him angry. Start by listening to him and try to see things from his perspective.

3) Help your child find a better solution. Once you have listened to your child’s point of view, then you can help him think of good ideas for how to handle the situations he finds frustrating. You can have him make a list of good and bad ideas and see which he thinks will be most helpful.

4) Remember the respect-privilege connection. While there are times when a warning or a productive discussion are appropriate responses to disrespectful behavior, significant or repeated disrespectful behavior should be followed by a suitable negative consequence, such as a Time-Out or privilege loss, or both. Your child needs to understand that privileges are not automatic. In short, respectful behavior turns privileges on, disrespectful behavior turns them off.

5) Get help if needed. If your child is not responding to your effort to help him make better choices, you can always consult with a qualified therapist to help you get things back on the right track.

Anger may come to town now and then, but luckily, there is a sheriff who knows what to do (that would be you!). Help your kids learn how to work through their angry feelings the right way and you’ll have a much more peaceful town.

What gets your kids angry?

What ideas have you found helpful for responding to your child’s anger?

Not too long ago, I received an email from a parent asking for advice for how to respond to their 14-year-old daughter who had recently started disliking her teachers, had run into friend problems, and was becoming disrespectful toward her parents. This email vividly reminded me of how difficult the teen years can be.

For everyone.

I recently saw a mother in my office who was describing her 13-year-old son, who had up until recently, been a very respectful young boy. “I don’t know what happened,” she said, “I want my Bobby back!” (not his real name).

Ever been there?

Maybe you are there right now.

In this blog, I want to give you a couple ideas for how to approach these difficult teen moments and then hear your ideas for how to (or how not to) approach disrespectful teen behavior.

Here are a few principles to hold on to:

1) Stay calm. I have never seen a situation where a parent’s anger or yelling made things better. Never.

2) Listen first. In my book, Project Dad, I suggest that your kids are like a dump truck. This doesn’t mean they are filled with dirt and gravel, it simply means that like a truck, they can get “filled up.” And when a truck is filled up, what does it need to do? Unload. Listening is letting your kids unload their truck. Application: Learn to be a great unloading spot. Show that you care about everything in their truck: Their thoughts, feelings, struggles, and opinions. Once their truck is empty, they’ll be more receptive to what you have to say.

3) Get into problem-solving mode. Once your teen knows that you have taken the time to listen and care about her perspective, she’ll be more open to the next step, which is to think together about possible solutions. This doesn’t mean trying to solve her problem single-handedly, but talking together about possible ideas. If you are new at this, it can be helpful to write ideas down as you both think of them (even if they are bad) and then go back and evaluate each one. You are helping your teen learn how to approach teen issues in a thoughtful way.

4) Model and expect respectfulness. Everyone can blow it in an angry moment. Don’t expect perfection out of anyone (including yourself), but repeated disrespectfulness is not going to help anything. Make sure that you are communicating respectfully and let your teen know that she can express how she feels, but she must also do it in a respectful way. If she chooses to be routinely disrespectful with her words or actions, an appropriate loss of privilege is in order.

5) See the bigger picture. You have a teenager. You knew it was coming. Use these opportunities to show your kids that there is no problem that you can’t solve together. Be caring, respectful, and optimistic. If you mess up, apologize. If you feel unprepared, talk to other parents whose kids are older than yours. Read a few good books about raising teens. You can do this.

Do you have any “nuggets” of wisdom for handling challenging teen behavior?

Any suggestions for what NOT to do?

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 couple months ago, the 85th Academy Awards were broadcast on television.  We missed it and from what I’ve read, it sounds like we didn’t miss much.

The next morning, I remember reading how tasteless and “un-family-friendly” many viewers found the Academy Awards show to be.  Host Seth MacFarlane evidently pulled out all the stops and launched one tasteless joke after another, drawing the ire of many viewers.    

That got me wondering about something.  As parents, at what point do we say, “I’m not watching this,” or “We’re not watching this?” 

Undoubtedly, there is an interaction between the type of content and the age of your children.  I have noticed that I was less concerned about good guy/bad guy violence (such as in a Die Hard movie) when my boys became older teens than I still am with sexual content or crude humor.  You may have different sensitivities.  Of course, some material is inappropriate no matter what a person’s age may be. 

Here are a few questions that may help you as you decide where to draw the line with your kids:

1. Is this material age appropriate for my kids? 

2. If I’m not sure, would I rather err on the side of being a little too cautious or a little too permissive?

3. What does my gut instinct tell me? 

4. If religious faith is important in your family (it is in mine), does this material line up with what God says is appropriate to watch or listen to?

5. What message does this material send to my children?

There are helpful screening websites that can help you evaluate movies before you watch them, such as www.screenit.com and www.pluggedin.com.  These have been very helpful resources for our family and have helped us to simply take a pass on many movies. 

However, as kids become teens, this becomes more of an art form than an exact science.  One approach that has worked well for us has been to agree ahead of time that if mom or dad felt the movie was inappropriate at any point, we would simply stop it and watch something else.  This has worked well for us on several occasions.  We simply stopped the movie, discussed why we thought it was inappropriate, and then decided on something else to do or watch together.

Every family has to navigate these waters and there is no one formula for all.  But, where you draw the line will send a message that your kids will remember.

Where do you draw the line with your kids?

What approaches have worked the best for you in guarding your kids from inappropriate material?

Welcome to my first parenting blog.  By way of introduction, I am a child psychologist who has been working full-time with children, teens, families, and parents for the last 18 years.  This means I’ve seen lots of tantrums, defiance, anxiety, depression, learning disorders, ADHD, social problems, sibling problems, teasing, and a host of other issues.

Maybe you have too. 

Many of you know me from the several parenting books I’ve had the privilege to write and from the parenting workshops that I have presented for many years for organizations such as Hearts at Home, MOPS, various churches, and both public and private schools. 

But enough about me.  This blog is for you.  You have children that you love dearly.  However, they are not perfect and neither are you.  Sometimes, things run along pretty smoothly.  Then comes a bump in the road.  Or a flat out collision. 

Sometimes you handle the bumps and collisions pretty well.  Other times, you know you missed the mark.  We all have. 

I can remember a time when my youngest son, Luke, was pre-school aged and was throwing a royal fit when I cut off his supply of goldfish crackers.  Cruel, I know.  However, for a guy who doesn’t usually have much of a problem with anger, I was surprised at how frustrated I felt at my young son over such a typical behavior for his age.  It seems silly in retrospect, but I still remember it today.  I remember shouting at my young son and then feeling crushed when I saw the startled look on his little face.

I missed the mark.

In this blog, I will give you short, practical ideas that you can apply to issues that every parent comes face to face with.  Hopefully, these ideas will help you hit the mark more often than miss it.  We'll talk about:

    - Family communication

    - Discipline

    - Siblings

    - School

    - Friends

Just for fun, I have asked my wife, Lora, to join me in our discussions and to occasionally guest-blog to add a mother’s point of view.  I’m trusting that she won’t just give you her recipe for Snickerdoodles, though that’s not a bad idea. 

So, if something in a blog applies to your family, I’d love to hear back from you. 

    - Did the ideas help? 

    - How did you customize the ideas to make them work better for your kids? 

    - Do you have any ideas that you can briefly share to help or encourage other readers? 

    - Do you have any follow-up questions?   

To get us started, let me know if you have any questions or topics that you would like me to address in coming blogs.  These will not be just articles for you to read.  They will be conversations for us to have together as we all try to teach our kids the right lessons, the right way.

What parenting topics do you want to talk about?