Problem-Solving On-The-Go

For those of you who have a child with a hair-trigger temper, you know that trying to reason with your child once he has gone past 'the point of no return' can be next to impossible. Your child's angry emotions can 'short-circuit' his thinking in no time and make productive conversation difficult to pull off. Problem-solving on-the-go (PSOTG) is a tool you can use in any situation where you think your child's anger is about to get the best of him. PSOTG can help your child get back in control of his emotions before he gets to the point of no return and increase the possibility of a productive discussion.

The first secret with PSOTG is that you respond quickly. As soon as you realize that things are about to get out of control, move right into PSOTG. The faster you respond, the better the chance you will catch your child before his emotions get the better of him. The second secret is that you don't give any commands. Piling on commands and/or endlessly repeating yourself seldom brings a positive result and usually just fuels everyone's negative emotions. The third secret is that you are going to stay calm and in control as you try to get your child thinking about a solution instead of stuck on the problem. Problem-solving on-the-go consists of two steps:

1. Make an empathic comment.
In order to engage your child in finding a solution, you must first get past his defenses. The tricky way to do this is to agree with him. Look at the situation from his perspective. Using your 'feeling words,' describe how your child is probably feeling. He can't argue with that! It might sound like this:

' 'I know it's really frustrating when you have to stop playing a game you love to play.'
' 'Doing homework isn't that fun, I agree. In fact, it can be really boring and sometimes hard.'
' 'It probably seems like it will take forever to clean up your room, and that makes it hard to even want to start.'

All your child can say to an empathic comment is, 'Yes, that's right!' You have just shown your child that you really do understand how he feels. Now, it's time for the next step.

2. Engage in mutual problem solving.
This step involves one simple question: 'What's a good idea for how we can handle this?' Again, no demands or instructions. Just an invitation to think of a good idea that will work. Honestly consider your child's ideas and see if together, you can arrive at an idea that will work. If your child continues to demand an option that is not possible, calmly point out the impracticality of that solution and encourage him to think of another one. You can offer your own ideas as well as you try to create an atmosphere of calm, mutual problem-solving.

Remember, the emotional tone that you set during PSOTG will strongly influence your child's level of emotional control. Even if your child becomes disrespectful and argumentative, you can remain respectful and in control of your emotions. By remaining calm and focused on finding a positive solution, you'll help your child gradually learn to do the same. You may be surprised at how your calm approach will impact the situation and make it easier for your child to put his brain power toward thinking of a good idea. If he chooses not to productively participate in the problem-solving discussion, then you may have to choose the solution and bring the discussion to an end. However, PSOTG is a great way to engage your child in a positive discussion rather than let the discussion deteriorate into an unproductive anger fest. These angry situations are some of the most difficult you may encounter, and PSOTG is a great tool to have in your tool belt.

Adapted from Respectful Kids: Respectful Kids: The complete guide to bringing out the best in your child. (NavPress 2006)

QUOTE(S) OF THE DAY

"Children are often a great comfort in your old age--and they help you reach it faster too." Lionel Kauffman

Question: My son wants to be on the computer or playing video games all the time. Where do I draw the line?

Answer: Just as many children would eat nothing but donuts and ice cream all day if allowed, some children would quickly forsake all other forms of human interaction and become mentally and physically glued to the computer if given half a chance. Video games are fun, flashy, and mentally challenging, which adds to the fun. The trick is to keep things balanced. When talking with kids, I sometimes use the example of a ship, in that if a ship is out of balance (e.g., leaning over to one side), it is not likely to last long on the sea. And just like a ship needs to be balanced, God made us to be balanced as well.

Here are a couple ideas for balancing the video game issue: 1) Talk as a family about the advantages and dangers of computer/video games, citing Colossians 3:17 and Proverbs 3:5-6 as a basis for pleasing and honoring God in all that you do, 2) set and enforce clear limits on the type of electronic games allowed and decide upon reasonable time limits for their use, 3) encourage your kids to be involved in other healthy activities (e.g., sports, youth group, clubs, hobbies, activities) and, 4) spend as much time as you can doing fun things together as a family.

Some kids may need help finding an activity they excel at and encouragement to try something new. You may need to flip through a park district or YMCA catalog with your child, or get ideas from other parents to find ideas for activities or hobbies your son might enjoy. When you do, you never know what might happen. In our family, that is how we stumbled across the sport of karate, and now one of our sons is about to earn his black belt and competes in national competitions. In general, the more your child has a balance of positive non-electronic activities, the less he will feel the pull of the kind that have to be plugged in..

PARENTING LIGHT

At your next family meal, astound your kids with these nifty facts about God's animal creations. They'll be amazed at how smart you are!

' 95% of the creatures on earth are smaller than a chicken egg.
' Fish can cough.
' Kangaroos can't walk.
' Sheep snore.
' The only mammal that can't jump is an elephant.
' Goldfish were originally green.
' According to farmers, the dumbest farm animal is the turkey.
' The heaviest dog on record: a 310 pound Saint Bernard.
' A giraffe's tongue is 17 inches long.
' The longest earthworm ever found was 22 feet long.

Taken from Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Extraordinary Book of Facts and Bizarre Information. Bathroom Reader's Press, 2006. 

Teens and Religious Involvement

Students who plan to complete four years of college are more likely than others to attend religious services. For example, in 2004, 45 percent of eighth graders who planned to complete four years of college attended religious services at least weekly compared with 28 percent among those eighth-graders who did not have such plans. Other research has found that teens who attend religious services are less likely to take risks or enjoy danger, engage in violent behaviors, skip school, use alcohol and drugs, or to get in trouble with the police. Teens who attend religious services are more likely to volunteer in their communities, participate in student government, and play sports or exercise regularly. In addition, these teens tend to hold more conservative attitudes toward sex and to have lower levels of sexual experience.

Of course, teens who attend church will experience problems and temptations just like any other teen. But it's nice to know that church and youth group involvement can have a positive impact during these important years.

Taken from www.childtrendsdatabank.org., Religious Services Attendance.

NEWSFLASH!!!
Dr. Todd's newest book, Respectful Kids: The Complete Guide to Bringing Out the Best in Your Child (NavPress), is available at bookstores or online now!

PARENTING WORKSHOPS!
Have your parent-group or church host a fun and practical workshop with Dr. Cartmell.

Biblically-based, humorous, and filled with loads of practical parenting strategies, these workshops will help you become the best parent that you can be.

Dr. Cartmell's workshops include:

• Respectful Kids: The Complete Guide to Bringing Out the Best in Your Child.

• Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry