Issue 6
 
WELCOME  

Welcome to The Family Coach.  This e-newsletter is designed to be a resource that will help you build the healthy family that God desires you to have.  Following Biblical principles, I'll show you how you can teach your children important lessons and help them build healthy relational habits.  You might learn a few for yourself, as well.


In this issue, I’ll show you how to reduce arguing and temper tantrums by teaching your kids the skill of flexible thinking, straight from my new book, Respectful Kids. Then, in our Coaching Corner, you will learn a few insider tips on how to make your coaching sessions fun and effective so that your kids will learn their new respect skills even faster. Our Research Snapshot will remind you of the powerful impact that family meals can have on your children and teens. Enjoy a few pithy quotes and a couple jokes your kids will love. Finally, we’ll wrap up with a reminder from Solomon as to how much of a blessing our instruction and teaching can have in the lives of our kids.

Enjoy a great Christmas season with your family.
TODAY'S ARTICLE

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The Start Right, Stay On Right, and Stop Right Rule.

Every child needs to learn to be flexible. Why? Because every day situations come along that don’t go exactly the way they wanted. Johnny ate the last cookie. Susie has too much homework. Brandon won’t let little brother come into his room. Each of these are tough everyday situations that call for flexible thinking. Here’s how you can teach your child this valuable skill.

During a positive moment, sit down with your child and show him a rubber band, stretching it in several directions. Then you might say, “Ryan, do you know what this is? Right, it’s a rubber band. Do you see how this rubber band can stretch and bend? That’s because it is . . . flexible. It doesn’t break or get all mad when things change. Have you ever seen a rubber band throw a tantrum? Nope. A rubber band knows how to be flexible. Some people are flexible with their bodies and muscles, like a gymnast. While it is great to be flexible with your muscles, we want to be flexible with our thoughts (for younger kids, you call them ‘flexible words’). A thought is just like talking to yourself in your head. We want to have flexible thoughts, just like the rubber band.”

Now pull out a pencil. Slowly start to bend it. Say, “Now, is this pencil very flexible? That’s right, it’s not. What will happen if I bend it too far?” Keep on bending it until it snaps. “You were right. It will break because the pencil doesn’t know how to be flexible. This is like getting all mad and throwing a tantrum when something doesn’t go your way.”

Explain that your child can choose to be flexible like the rubber band or get mad and break like the pencil. It all depends on whether he uses flexible thoughts or mad thoughts (for younger kids, it will flexible words or mad words). You can say, “Flexible thoughts will help you stay positive and respectful and will lead to lots more fun. Mad thoughts just make you mad and lead to disrespectful behavior that will get you into trouble.”
Now that your child understands the concept, it is time for some flexible thinking coaching. Give your child a few examples of flexible thoughts and mad thoughts from the list below. Together, choose 3-5 flexible thoughts for him to memorize. Then practice using them in common scenarios, like:

1) Turning off an electronic activity, such as TV or a video game
2) Coming in from playing outside
3) Losing at a sport or game
4) Being asked to do a chore
5) Making a mistake

Ask your child which flexible thoughts he would say to himself in each of these situations. How would that flexible thought make him feel? What would he then say or do in that situation to handle it respectfully? With some positive coaching and practice, you will begin to see your child use these flexible thoughts in everyday situations. And that will be a happy day.
Mad Thoughts Flexible Thoughts
That’s not fair! I should fast listen.
You’re so mean! It’s no big deal.
I never get to do anything fun! It won’t take that long.
It will take forever! The sooner I start, the sooner I’m done.
I want to do it now! That’s OK, I can do it later.

To read more about flexible thinking, see Dr. Cartmell’s new book, Respectful Kids: The complete guide to bringing out the best in your child. (NavPress 2006)
 

QUOTE(S) OF THE DAY

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"Enjoy the little things with your children. One day you’ll look back and realize they were the big things.” Jan Kwasigroh, from the Hearts at Home Inspirational Calendar

"The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and advise them to do it." Harry S. Truman
COACHING CORNER

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Question: What are some tips my husband and I can use for teaching the skills you talk about in your books and workshops?

Answer: When you are teaching skills like fast listening, flexible thinking, or problem-solving to your kids, it is very important to follow a few simple guidelines that will make your teaching times as effective as possible.

1) Make it frequent. Try to practice once a day for starters, and then less often as your child masters the skill. Make sure you pick a positive time for practice, so the practice will have a better chance of being productive.

2) Make it short. Keep your practices no longer than 3-5 minutes. Make them even shorter, if you need to. This makes it easier for you to do more often, as you can fit a short practice into your schedule at a time that works best for you and your child. It also increases your child’s level of participation as she learns that the practices will be short and fun, not long and boring.

3) Make it fun. Like a good coach, keep the practices fun and positive. Immediately tell your child when she does a good job and let her know exactly what part of the skill she did right! Younger kids often enjoy acting out the fast listening steps, like pretending to go brush their teeth or get their pajamas on. The more fun and positive you make the practice, the more your kids will enjoy the positive attention and be eager to practice again tomorrow.

PARENTING LIGHT

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Child: "You know that vase that you always worried I would break?"
Mom: "Yes...."
Child: "Well, your worries are over."

Nine-year-old Heather quizzed her mother as to her origin, and was given the traditional answer, "God sent you."
"And how did you get here, mom? Did God send you too?"
"Yes, dear."
"And Grandma?"
"Yes, dear."
"And great-grandma?"
"Yes, dear."
"Do you mean to say that there have been no normal births in this family for over a hundred years?" 

REASEARCH SNAPSHOT

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Research has found that teens who eat regularly with their families are less likely to get into fights, think about suicide, smoke, drink alcohol, or use drugs. They are more likely to do better in school and typically initiate sexual activity later than teens who do not share regular mealtimes with their families. How many teens are eating at home with their families on a regular basis? According to the 2003 Child Trends Databank, only 42% of adolescents ages 12-17 ate a family meal six to seven days a week. However, an additional 27% of teens ate a family meal four to five days a week. This means that 69% of teens eat a family meal four or more days a week. The numbers were a little better for children aged 6-11, with 56% of them eating a family meal six to seven days a week and an extra 25% eating with their family four or five days a week.

It is my suspicion that parents who take the time to prioritize family meals are more likely to take the time to talk to their kids about important topics, such as school, friendship choices, sex, drugs, and peer pressure. With so many children and teens heading down the wrong path on these important issues, I encourage you to use your family meals as one simple, yet effective way to stay connected with your children. You can talk about the day, use a “book of questions” to spark fun conversation, or reflect on the meaning of a Scripture verse, such as a Proverb. These fun conversations can create an environment where your kids will grow accustomed to talking with you about meaningful topics, and will increase the chance that they’ll feel comfortable talking with you when big issues come their way.

Reference: News Release: Teens Benefit When Families Eat Together—Not Just At Thanksgiving, Nov. 20, 2006, www.childtrends.org
PARENTING VERSE

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Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction, and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. They will be a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck. Proverbs 1:8-9

NEWSFLASH!!!
 Dr. Todd�s newest book, Respectful Kids: The Complete Guide to Bringing Out the Best in Your Child (NavPress), is due for release in September 2006.  Advance order yours at your local bookstore today.  You won�t want to miss it!

PARENTING WORKSHOPS!
Have your parent-group or church host a fun and practical workshop with Dr. Cartmell.

Biblically-based, humorous, and filled with loads of practical parenting strategies, these workshops will help you become the best parent that you can be.

Dr. Cartmell�s workshops include:

  • Respectful Kids: The Complete Guide to Bringing Out the Best in Your Child.

  • Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry

Do you need answers to your everyday parenting challenges?

Let these resources from Dr. Cartmell give you the ideas you need:

Respectful Kids

The Parent Survival Guide

Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry

Read book excerpts and find helpful parenting tips at www.dr.todd.net

If you have enjoyed any of Dr. Todd's books, please take a minute and write an encouraging review of that book on amazon.com, christianbooks.com, or barnesandnoble.com. This will help introduce Dr. Todd's books and resources to hundreds of other parents who are seeking help with their children from a Christian perspective. As always, Dr. Todd appreciates your prayers and emails. Thanks!

 If you enjoy Dr. Todd�s Family Coach, please
forward it to your friends! 

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