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Fast Listening: The cure for the common cantankerous child

Take a look at the following exchange that happens between parents and children everyday. See if it sounds familiar (WARNING "the following paragraph may result in the sudden need to curl up in a fetal position).

Mom: "Johnny, please turn off the TV and start your homework."
Johnny: "I'm not done yet."
Mom: "Johnny, it's time to start your homework, please turn the TV off now."
Johnny: "Just a minute."
Mom: (louder) "Johnny, didn't I just tell you to turn the TV off? Turn it off now!"
Johnny: "I will, I will. It's almost over."

(Repeat three times and then bang your head repeatedly against the wall to simulate the migraine you feel coming on.)

This is the type of frustration that thousands of parents go through every day when they make normal requests of their children. A battle worthy of the Supreme Court can unfold just because you asked your child to brush his teeth. Seeing tooth decay and thousands of dollars in orthodontist bills as a good thing, your child argues for one reason: he wants to do what he wants to do. Oh yes, I almost forgot. When he wants to do it.

The main point? Respectful behavior does not come naturally to most homo sapiens. Most of us had to learn it the hard way, just as your kids need to as well. It is my job to make this training process easier for you, so I'd like to introduce you to a respect skill that each of your children need to learn. It's called fast listening.

Fast listening is a respectful response to a parental request. In fact, it is the perfect response to a parental request. As you can see in the box below, fast listening has two main parts: something to SAY and something to DO.

Because most of the things you ask your kids to do are relatively simple and routine, the typical fast listening response will be to say, "OK mom," and then to just do it, such as when asked to help set the table for dinner, for example. However, since you are not training a dolphin for the Sea World show, we need to build some flexibility into fast listening. No problem. If your child ever has a question about what you have asked them to do, they simply need to ask their question in a respectful way. Using these simple steps, here are three possible fast listening discussions:

Sample #1:
Mom: "Johnny, please turn off the TV and start your homework."
Johnny: "OK mom." (Johnny quickly turns off the TV).

Sample #2:
Mom: "Johnny, please turn off the TV and start your homework."
Johnny: "Mom, my show's not quite over yet. Can I watch the rest of it?"
Mom: "Sure. Please turn it off when your show is over."
Johnny: "OK, thanks."

Sample #3:
Mom: "Johnny, please turn off the TV and start your homework."
Johnny: "Mom, my show's not quite over yet. Can I watch the rest of it?"
Mom: "Sorry Johnny, but we have to go to the store and then we need to pick up Susan from dance class. So, we need to leave right now. Please turn it off and get your shoes on."
Johnny: "OK mom." (Johnny turns off the TV and puts his shoes on).

What planet does this child come from, you ask? Actually, from the same planet his parents came from. I meet new children every week who need to learn how to fast listen. Many of them learn to do it very quickly. Here's how you can teach this awesome respect skill to your children:

1. Introduce the new skill to your child. During a calm, positive moment (if you can find one), explain to your child that you want to show him a new skill that will help his fun go up and then walk him through the fast listening steps in the box above. Try a few fast listening practices, using the sample situation of being asked to turn off the TV. Have him show you the SAY part and then act out the DO part. Make sure he knows how to ask a question in a respectful way, as in Sample # 2 and #3.

2. Practice the new skill regularly. Continue with your fast listening practices daily, with each practice lasting no longer than 2-3 minutes. Make each practice fun and pour on the positive encouragement as your child begins to learn this simple skill. Give him a variety of "fast listening" practice situations, such as putting a toy away, turning the TV off, coming in from outside, getting ready for bed, or any situation you want to practice. Remember, these role-plays are practice; you are simulating real situations that are likely to occur.

You have become your child's fast listening coach. Be a positive and motivating coach and stay consistent with your practices. Be on the lookout for your child to show fast listening in real-life situations, and immediately let him know how excited you are that he chose to fast listen. Like any new skill, it takes time and practice for it to become a habit, so hang in there. When your child disobeys or argues, take note of that situation and use it in your next fast listening practice, to help him improve his fast listening in that situation. Remember, kids are learning new skills in school, sports, and activities all the time and there is still lots of room left in their expanding little brains. I have yet to meet a child who cannot learn to fast listen, if they have a coach who will teach them. That's where you come in.

To read more about flexible thinking, see Dr. Cartmell new book, Respectful Kids: The complete guide to bringing out the best in your child. (NavPress 2006)

QUOTE(S) OF THE DAY

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"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."   - Phyllis Diller

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Question: How can I help my four-year-old son who is afraid of the dark?

Answer: Children usually become afraid of the dark between the ages of three and five. Most will eventually outgrow it, so hang in there. However, let's see if we can speed up the process.

1) A nightlight will help take some of that darkness away, as will turning on a closet light, even if you partially close the closet door.

2) During your nightly prayers, remember to ask God to keep you all safe and thank him for always looking after you. As we said our nighttime prayers when my boys were younger, there were many nights that I reminded them that "God is the biggest" (taken from one of our favorite "Veggie-Tales" video) and that he can take care of any monster.

3) Calmly reassure your son that some nighttime nervousness is normal by letting him know that "lots of kids worry at night sometimes, but then they learn that everything will be okay." If you stay calm and relaxed when discussing this with your son, it sends the powerful nonverbal message that there really is nothing to be afraid of.

4) Do a "safety check," with your son before he hops in bed, checking the closets, windows, and under the bed so he can see that his room is safe.

5) You can teach your son a few simple things that he can tell himself while laying in bed, such as, "Mom and dad will keep me safe", "God is always watching over me", or "I can have a good sleep and a fun day tomorrow."

6) Another good idea is to show your child how to use his imagination to think of something fun or silly while going to sleep. For instance, you and your son can make up a silly story about a monster who has everything go wrong for him. Use your imagination and be creative and silly. You are taking a feared imaginative object (a monster) and helping your child master it in his imagination by turning it into something humorous that he can control.

7) Keep a calendar that records whether your child was safe or not safe the previous night. Each morning when he gets up, have him mark an "S" for safe on the calendar if he had been safe through the night (assuming a monster didn't get him). If he was not safe (if a monster got him), have him mark "NS" on the calendar. After two or three weeks, he can look back on the calendar and see in his own writing that he has been safe many nights in a row.

Give these ideas a try, and with a little time and patience, they should help your son learn that he is safe in his room at night. Of course, if your child becomes extremely anxious to the point that it significantly interferes with his sleep or daily functioning, please don't hesitate to consult with a child psychologist.

PARENTING LIGHT

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Here are a few odoriferous facts your kids should love:
*A quart of odorless and odorful gases escape your body every day.
*The average person either burps or toots 10-15 times a day. (Keep that in mind the next time you are in a shopping mall!)
*Recipe for gas: Load up with brussel sprouts, cabbage, onions, turkey, beans " and watch out!

Taken from www.kids.discovery.com 

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In the 1980"s, developmental researchers Myrna Shure and George Spivack studied the effect of simple problem-solving training on preschool and kindergarten aged children. They taught simple problem-solving steps that encouraged the children to generate possible solutions to problems and consider the consequences. Shure and Spivack found that teaching problem-solving skills to these young children improved their impulsive behavior and social adjustment, when compared to children who had not been taught problem-solving skills. Positive behavioral results were actually found one and two years following the problem-solving training. Other studies have found similar results. The lesson: it is never too early to start teaching your kids to use brain over brawn.

Taken from www.apa.org. Problem-Solving Program Teaches Kids How To Use Their Heads Instead of Their Fists. For more information please visit http://www.psychologymatters.org/shure.html.

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NEWSFLASH!!!
Dr. Todd"s newest book, Respectful Kids: The Complete Guide to Bringing Out the Best in Your Child (NavPress), is available at bookstores or online now!

Watch for the Respectful Kids Radio Special to air soon on your local Christian radio station. Call your local station to check on dates and times. If your local station would like more information about the Respectful Kids Radio Special, they can contact GSF Media at uld like more information about the Respectful Kids Radio Special, they can contact GSF Media at www.gsfmedia.com.

PARENTING WORKSHOPS!
HaveBiblically-based, humorous, and filled with loads of practical parenting strategies, these workshops will help you become the best parent that you can be.

Dr. Cartmell"s workshops workshops workshops include: